You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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