i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
