Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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