i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
