Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I see more hoeing in ur future
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
