Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just high enough for therapy.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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