I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
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I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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