i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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