i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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