I wannas sexs uuuuu
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
