i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
