I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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