this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
