My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Two words: blizzard sex
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
