forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
