i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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