The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
