Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
