While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Randomize
