i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...