Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
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He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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