all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Found the puke drawer
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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