ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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