Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
