my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
