I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
