Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
