Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
