she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
