I think I just saw someone hide a body.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
