just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
