there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
