I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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