did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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