Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
