I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
