Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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