and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
