Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
