i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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