My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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