Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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