I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
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I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
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My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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