Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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