I just threw up on my dentist
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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