I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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