her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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