I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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