Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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