remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
