someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
