Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
