did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
