Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
