Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
