I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
