I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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