She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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