Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
