just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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