I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
