3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
